Everyone likes having friends to lean on, but a friendship expert says that pals who tend to criticize us, dump their problems in our laps, or otherwise mess with our emotions might be harmful to our health.

    每個人都想有朋友可以依賴，但是人際專家表示，那些經常批評我們，把自己的問題推給我們，要不然就是攪亂我們情緒的伙伴，可能會損害我們的健康。   
 
    Recent scientific studies have shown that people with friends endure less stress, recover from heart attacks faster and live longer than the friendless. Plus, with divorce rates at 50 percent, and the average marriage age edging upwards, lifelong friends are in some cases replacing the ideal of having a lifelong spouse.

    近年來的科學研究顯示有朋友的人承受的壓力要小于缺少友情的人，而且能更快地從心臟病中康復，活得更久。另外，隨著50%的離婚率和平均婚齡的上升，在一些情況下，夫妻白頭偕老的理想已被擁有終身朋友所取代。
 
    But newer research is also taking a look at the impact of the friends that drain you, the "toxic friends" that some of us have in our lives. When do you pull the plug on the pals who zing veiled insults, barrage us with constant demands, or bring whining to our worlds?

    In her book, When Friendship Hurts, Jan Yager, a sociologist at the University of Connecticut in Stamford, says that negative, destructive friendships can wreak havoc on our lives and can even cause us serious harm.

    但是最新調查還看到了朋友吞噬你的影響，我們的生活中有一些"致命的朋友"。他們隱蔽著侮辱，不斷地向我們提要求，或者將抱怨帶進我們的世界，你何時能中止和他們來往?

    斯坦福康乃狄克大學社會學家Jan Yager在她的書《當友情傷害你時》中指出，消極、有破壞性的友誼會毀壞我們的生活，甚至使我們遭受更嚴重的傷害。
 
     "There are incidents of friends actually causing their friends' deaths, from forcing friends in fraternity settings to drink and die, to a current lawsuit, where two friends went to a concert, and got high on drugs," Yager said. One of the friends died, and the father of the other is suing.

    The most famous example of a toxic friendship is that of the two Columbine High School students, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, whose friendship helped lead to a horrific massacre that left 12 students and a teacher dead on April 20, 1999. Similarly, gangs are friendships with negative motives, Yager said.

     "常有朋友造成朋友死亡的事件發生，像借手足之情強迫朋友酗酒死亡。像最近一起訴訟案，有一對朋友去音樂會，吸毒過量，"Yager說。一個朋友死了，另一個的父親在訴訟。

    致命友誼最著名的例子是兩名哥倫比亞中學的學生，Eric Harris和Dylan Klebold，他們的友情導致了1999年4月20日的恐怖屠殺，12名學生和一位老師因此失去了生命。類似的，一幫歹徒的友誼也帶有消極動機，Yager說。 
 
    Friends Who Hurt Us Emotionally

    But there are also friends who can be bad for us in emotion, and sometimes subtler ways with sly insults, and competitive one-upmanship.

     "The negative impact can be as devastating as poor self-esteem, stress, or career sabotage and the scary part is sometimes negative friends have influence over friends who aren't even aware of it," Yager said.

    傷害我們感情的朋友

    但是也有一些朋友會在感情上傷害我們，有時用隱蔽狡詐的侮辱方式，有時則是搶先一步的競爭。

    "消極影響會造成的后果不亞于自卑、緊張、職業破壞，可怕的是，有時消極朋友會影響意識不到這些的朋友。"Yager說。 
 
    She says there are some 21 types of potentially negative friends.

    Among the villains: the faultfinder, the one-upper, the abusive friend, the double-crosser, and the person who engages in petty or criminal behavior.

    One woman had gotten drunk at a business party, and drove her friends home. No one was hurt, but her co-workers ostracized her afterward. The woman was willing to admit to her colleagues that what she did was wrong, which smoothed things over.

    她說大約有21種潛在的消極朋友。

    反派角色當中有：吹毛求疵者，好占便宜的，說壞話的，出賣朋友的，從事犯過或犯罪行為的人。

    一名婦女在一個商業宴會上喝醉酒之后開車送朋友們回家。沒有人受傷，但從此之后同事們都排斥她。她主動向他們承認錯誤，才使事情得以化解。

    Other varieties of negative friends include liars, overly dependent friends, and those who do not listen.

    Dara Tyson and Michele Comen, both 41, have been best friends since high school, and grew up around the block from each other in Brooklyn, N.Y. Now, they are both married with children, and live about 20 minutes apart.

    They have been through marriage, kids and divorce with each other and communicate in that shorthand that longtime friends have. But they have also had a whole lot of ups and downs, and sometimes wonder if their friendship is worth it. Comen says Tyson can be flip and dismissive, and that she pigeonholes people, sizing up situations too quickly.

    消極朋友的類型還有說謊的人，過度依賴他人的人和那些不聽勸的人。

    Dara Tyson和Michele Comen都是41歲，從高中開始就是最要好的朋友，他們在紐約Brooklyn一起長大。現在，他們都結婚生子，兩家相距僅有20分鐘。

    他們都經歷了結婚，生子，離婚的過程，作為老朋友也經常在一起溝通。但是他們也經常起起浮浮，有時也懷疑友情的價值。Comen說Tyson輕浮，自傲，喜歡把朋友分類，常見風使舵。
 
    It irritates Comen, who is more analytical and likes to explain how she forms an opinion. Tyson, meanwhile, says that Comen is not empathetic at times, and that sometimes one or the other just doesn't "get it" when they're communicating.

    They sometimes think it would be easier to cut loose the friendship, but they have such deep ties, that it is difficult to do so.

    這激怒了Comen，她更喜歡分析并說明理由的來源。同時，Tyson覺得Comen時常精神不集中，有時兩人交流時，總有一個人不理解。

    有時他們也認為終止友誼會更輕松，但是他們綁系得太緊，要那樣做很難。
 
    When to Cut Bait

    Yager says there are times to abandon a friendship, and times to stick it out. It's time to cut bait when the time spent with a friend is not rewarding.

    "It's when you have an interaction, it can be e-mail, a phone call, or a get-together, and you don't feel a sense of feeling good about the friend," Yager said. "Since friendships are voluntary, it has to be someone to add to your life."

    Though it is hard for both genders to end a friendship, women are more likely to feel like they need to discuss and understand it, while men are more likely to just walk away, and let it ride. In business, the male method of blowing off a friendship works more smoothly, and women are now realizing that what works at home, doesn't necessarily help them advance in the office, Yager said.

    斷交的時刻

    Yager說一份友誼有時要放棄，有時也要堅持，當已不值得和朋友在一起時，就到了斷交的時刻。

     "那是在朋友之間交流時，比如電子郵件，打電話，或是一次相聚，你對朋友不再覺得有留戀的感覺，"Yager說，"由于友誼是自愿的，就意味著他必須是一個能進入你生活的人。"

    男女都覺得友誼很難結束，但是女性更想討論和理解它，而男性則輕易放棄，抱著隨它去的態度。在工作中，男性放棄一份友誼采取更平和的方法，女性則正在意識到家庭關系和睦不一定能讓他們在辦公室得到提升，Yager說。   
 
    When you decide to end a friendship, she suggests doing so in a gradual way. 

    "The best thing is to wind it down, rather than stopping cold turkey, because in process of winding down or pulling away, most friends will get the hint," Yager said. "In getting the hint, the person is now increasing his or her friendships with other people, so the sense of loss is minimized."

    If the person senses that you are pulling away and asks what is happening, you should not fault them, but blame it on the interaction.

    她建議當你決定結束一份友誼時，要采取循序漸進的方式。

    "最好的方法是逐漸中止，而不要直截了當，因為在逐漸中止或慢慢掙脫的過程中，大部分的朋友會得到暗示，"Yager說。"在暗示的過程中，要中止友誼的一方漸漸增進了與其他人的友誼，這樣，失落的感覺會減至最小。"

    如果對方感覺到你在掙脫并詢問怎么回事時，不要責怪他們本人，而應把責任歸于交流有問題。   
 
      "Say it's not you, it's not me, it's you and me together that is not the best interaction right now," Yager said. That leaves room for resuming the friendship later on.

    Yager suggests that when possible, friendships that only sometimes verge on toxic should be repaired.

    "It takes two people to start a friendship, but only one to end it," Yager said. "Because friendship is so precious and pivotal, it's important it only be ended with good reason, and the feeling that you tried to fix it."

    "要說不是因為你，也不是我的原因，而是我們在一起目前不能給對方最好的影響，"Yager說。這樣為以后恢復友誼留了條后路。

    Yager建議如果可能，有時友誼接近破裂時，是可以修復的。

    "一份友誼的開始依靠兩個人，但結束它只要一個，"Yager說。"因為友誼是這樣寶貴和重要，也正因為如此，結束它也只能用好的理由，而感覺上卻是你要修復它。"
 
    When you decide to end a friendship, she suggests doing so in a gradual way. 

    "The best thing is to wind it down, rather than stopping cold turkey, because in process of winding down or pulling away, most friends will get the hint," Yager said. "In getting the hint, the person is now increasing his or her friendships with other people, so the sense of loss is minimized."

    If the person senses that you are pulling away and asks what is happening, you should not fault them, but blame it on the interaction.

    她建議當你決定結束一份友誼時，要采取循序漸進的方式。

    "最好的方法是逐漸中止，而不要直截了當，因為在逐漸中止或慢慢掙脫的過程中，大部分的朋友會得到暗示，"Yager說。"在暗示的過程中，要中止友誼的一方漸漸增進了與其他人的友誼，這樣，失落的感覺會減至最小。"

    如果對方感覺到你在掙脫并詢問怎么回事時，不要責怪他們本人，而應把責任歸于交流有問題。
 
     "Say it's not you, it's not me, it's you and me together that is not the best interaction right now," Yager said. That leaves room for resuming the friendship later on.

    Yager suggests that when possible, friendships that only sometimes verge on toxic should be repaired.

    "It takes two people to start a friendship, but only one to end it," Yager said. "Because friendship is so precious and pivotal, it's important it only be ended with good reason, and the feeling that you tried to fix it."

    "要說不是因為你，也不是我的原因，而是我們在一起目前不能給對方最好的影響，"Yager說。這樣為以后恢復友誼留了條后路。

    Yager建議如果可能，有時友誼接近破裂時，是可以修復的。

    "一份友誼的開始依靠兩個人，但結束它只要一個，"Yager說。"因為友誼是這樣寶貴和重要，也正因為如此，結束它也只能用好的理由，而感覺上卻是你要修復它。"
 
    How to Make Friendship Work

    Sept. 25 - If you want to stick it out and make a toxic friendship work, Jan Yager, a sociologist at the University of Connecticut in Stamford, offers these five steps to help you figure out how to salvage a friendship.

    1. Do I want to invest the time/energy to turn it around? You may not want to, but have to, because you work together, or it's a friend of your spouse, you work in the same community, church, etc.

    2. Will the friend want to work through the conflict? You will need to assess whether your friend will want to work through the conflict.

    怎樣維持友誼

    9月25日--如果你希望友誼長久，使致命友誼繼續維持，斯坦福康乃狄克大學社會學家Jan Yager提供了五種步驟幫助你挽救它。

    1. 我要花時間或精力去改變它嗎？你可能不想，但必須做，因為你們在一起工作，或者他/她是你愛人的朋友，你們工作在一個社區里，或教堂等等。

    2. 朋友想消除不合嗎？你需要估計你的朋友是否想消除不合。 
 
    3. Will you discuss the friendship with a friend things ride for a while? Sometimes a cooling-off time can have a better long-term effect than doing something in heat of the moment, because people feel they have to do something. But if you write an angry e-mail, don't hit send. If you directly confront a friend who may not be ready to hear something, the friendship may be prematurely catapulted to an end over something that may not seem like a big deal in hindsight.  

    3. 你想和朋友談談心？有時，冷靜一段時間要比在頭腦發熱的時間談有更好的長期效果，因為人們覺得他們那時必須做某事。但是如果你寫了一封言語唐突的電子郵件，不要忙著寄出去。如果你面對的朋友對這些毫無準備，友誼可能會過早地結束，即使事后想想并不是什么大事。

    4. Try conflict resolution techniques.

    A. Try to understand the words that caused the conflict.

    B. Listen carefully to one another (i.e. You thought you were supposed to meet at 3 p.m., but the person didn't show up, but they really said 2:30 p.m.)

    C. Agree to disagree. One of the reasons you're friends is that you aren't exactly the same.

    D. Validate the relationship. Let them know you want to stay friends.

    E. If appropriate, say 'I'm sorry.'

    5. If you save the friendship, don't dwell on the resolved rift. 

    4. 努力掌握矛盾解決技術

    A. 試圖理解引起矛盾的話

    B. 聽清楚對方的話（比如你以為在下午3:00見面，但人沒有到，他們事實上說的是下午2:30）

    C. 求同存異。你們成為朋友的一個原因是你們不完全相同。

    D. 確認關系。讓對方知道你想保持友誼。

    E. 如果合適，請說"對不起"。

    5. 如果友誼被挽救，不要細想被修復的裂痕。